What the news is actually saying:
Higgs Boson: “Welp, we didn’t find the predicted Higgs Boson. In fact, we still have no idea what it could be, but, if we change our definition of the Higgs significantly, it almost might look close to maybe what a Higgs would look like if we pitch it to the public that doesn’t have any education in our respective fields.”
Dark Matter: “We didn’t find any conclusive evidence, but please fund our $2,000,000,000 particle detector! Also dark matter is something fabricated to explain other simple aspects of subatomic, pan-dimensional electromagnectic forces that are already explained in a few widely scrutinized theories (such as M). But that doesn’t matter because just listen to how cool that names sounds—- dark matter. No, wait, maybe we’ll call it dark energy. That’s freakin’ cool. Yeah [slides aviator glasses over eyes].”






